Tater, that was too funny, I was in need of a laugh in the middle of my hectic day. Thanks man.

 

steal

       The 1st Affair
      A married man was having an affair
                       with his secretary.
           One day they went to her place
               and made love all afternoon.
               Exhausted, they fell asleep
                   and woke up at 8 PM.
            The man hurriedly dressed
      and told his lover to take his shoes
     outside and rub them in the grass and dirt.
           He put on his shoes and drove home.
     "Where have you been?" his wife demanded.
                "I can't lie to you," he replied,
        "I'm having an affair with my secretary.
                   We had sex all afternoon."
She looked down at his shoes and said:
                          "You lying bastard!
                     You've been playing golf!"

                            The 2nd Affair
      A middle-aged couple had two beautiful daughters
      but always talked about having a son.
      They decided to try one last time
           for the son they always wanted.
                      The wife got pregnant
                and delivered a healthy baby boy.
       The joyful father rushed to the nursery
to see his new son.
                             He was horrified
             at the ugliest child he had ever seen.
       He told his wife: "There's no way I can be the
              father of this baby.
       Look at the two beautiful daughters I fathered!
     Have you been fooling around behind my back?"
            The wife smiled sweetly and replied:
                            "Not this time!"
                             The 3rd Affair

      A mortician was working late one night.
        He examined the body of Mr. Schwartz,
about to be cremated,
                and made a startling discovery.
           Schwartz had the largest private part
                            he had ever seen!
     "I'm sorry Mr. Schwartz," the mortician
     commented, "I can't allow you to be cremated
             with such an impressive private part.
                It must be saved for posterity."
                             So, he removed it,
                     stuffed it into his briefcase,
                                and took it home
                     "I have something to show
            you won't believe," he said to his wife,
                               opening his briefcase.
                  "My God!" the wife exclaimed,
                             "Schwartz is dead!"

                              The 4th Affair

              A woman was in bed with her lover
                when she heard her husband
                       opening the front door.
           "Hurry," she said, "stand in the corner."
                She rubbed baby oil all over him,
             then dusted him with talcum powder.
                   "Don't move until I tell you,"
              she said, " pretend you're a statue."
               "What's this?" the husband inquired
as he entered the room.
                     "Oh it's a statue," she replied,
"the Smiths bought one and I liked it
                          so I got one for us, too."
                               No more was said,
                not even when they went to bed.
                   Around 2 AM the husband got up,
                went to the kitchen and returned
                       with a sandwich and a beer.
              "Here," he said to the statue, have this.
            I stood like that for two days at the Smiths
              and nobody offered me a damned thing."
                                The 5th Affair
                       A man walked into a cafe,
went to the bar and ordered a beer.
"Certainly, Sir , that'll be one cent."
                    "One Cent?" the man exclaimed.
                   He glanced at the menu and asked:
                   "How much for a nice juicy steak
                            and a bottle of wine?"
                  "A nickel," the barman replied.
                    "A nickel?" exclaimed the man.
"Where's the guy who owns this place?"
                               The bartender replied:
                           "Upstairs, with my wife."
            The man asked: "What's he doing upstairs
                                   with your wife?"
                             The bartender replied:
                                "The same thing
                    I'm doing to his business down here."

                       The 6th Affair

      Jake was dying. His wife sat at the bedside.
                    He looked up and said weakly:
              "I have something I must confess."
           "There's no need to, " his wife replied.
                            "No," he insisted,
                          "I want to die in peace.
            I slept with your sister, your best friend,
                her best friend, and your mother!"
"I know," she replied,
                                   " now just rest
                           and let the poison work."

very good stories...loved them

 

A man came home from work, sat down in his favorite chair, turned on the TV, and said to his wife, "Quick, bring me a beer before it starts." She looked a little puzzled, but brought him a beer. When he finished it, he said, "Quick, bring me another beer. It's gonna start." This time, she looked a little angry, but brought him a beer. When it was gone, he said, "Quick, another beer before it starts." "That's it!" She blows her top, "You bastard! You waltz in here, flop your fat ass down, don't even say hello to me and then expect me to run around like your slave. Don't you realize that I cook and clean and wash and iron all day long?" The husband sighed. "Oh sh*t, it started."  

...i THINK WE ALL CAN