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Topic: Joke thread! | |
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Vindictive
*O.B.C* Team Member -=Vindicator=- Joined: June 03 2004 Online Status: Offline Posts: 2195 |
Posted: January 23 2007 at 10:10pm | ||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||
An Irish priest is driving down to New York and gets stopped for
speeding in Connecticut . The state trooper smells alcohol on the
priest's breath and then sees an empty wine bottle on the floor of the
car. He says, "Sir, have you been drinking?" "Just water," says
the priest. The trooper says, "Then why do I smell wine?" The priest
looks at the bottle and says, "Good Lord! He's done >it again!"
Paddy was driving down the street in a sweat because he had an important meeting and couldn't find a parking place. Looking up to heaven he said, "Lord take pity on me. If you find me a parking place I will go to Mass every Sunday for the rest of me life and give up me Irish Whiskey!" Miraculously, a parking place appeared. Paddy looked up again and said, "Never mind, I found one." now apparently the following ,according to the email, this is supposed to have actually happened in a real court of law. ATTORNEY: Doctor, before you performed the autopsy, did you check for a >pulse? WITNESS: No. ATTORNEY: Did you check for blood pressure? WITNESS: No. ATTORNEY Did you check for breathing? WITNESS: No. ATTORNEY: So, then it is possible that the patient was alive when you began the autopsy? WITNESS: No. ATTORNEY: How can you be so sure, Doctor? WITNESS: Because his brain was sitting on my desk in a jar. ATTORNEY: But could the patient have still been alive, nevertheless? WITNESS: Yes, it is possible that he could have been alive and practicing law. Edited by Vindictive - January 23 2007 at 10:12pm |
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CroCop
Noob* Joined: October 05 2006 Location: Croatia Online Status: Offline Posts: 8 |
Posted: January 24 2007 at 4:09am | ||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||
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vorlon
*O.B.C*Team Member Joined: February 08 2006 Location: United Kingdom Online Status: Offline Posts: 1285 |
Posted: January 24 2007 at 5:46am | ||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||
this one has actually been recorded and posted on the net.....i will see if i can find it, really funnny |
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vorlon
*O.B.C*Team Member Joined: February 08 2006 Location: United Kingdom Online Status: Offline Posts: 1285 |
Posted: January 24 2007 at 5:54am | ||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||
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**torque**
Groupie* Joined: September 18 2006 Location: United States Online Status: Offline Posts: 22 |
Posted: January 24 2007 at 9:18am | ||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||
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CroCop
Noob* Joined: October 05 2006 Location: Croatia Online Status: Offline Posts: 8 |
Posted: January 24 2007 at 10:15am | ||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||
Top 10 reasons computers must be male:
======================================== 10. They have a lot of data but are still clueless. 9. A better model is always just around the corner. 8. They look nice and shiny until you bring them home. 7. It is always necessary to have a backup. 6. They'll do whatever you say if you push the right buttons. 5. The best part of having either one is the games you can play. 4. In order to get their attention, you have to turn them on. 3. The lights are on but nobody's home. 2. Big power surges knock them out for the night. 1. Size does matter And here's the quid pro quo: Top 10 reasons compilers must be female: ======================================== 10. Picky, picky, picky. 9. They hear what you say, but not what you mean. 8. Beauty is only shell deep. 7. When you ask what's wrong, they say "nothing". 6. Can produce incorrect results with alarming speed. 5. Always turning simple statements into big productions. 4. Smalltalk is important. 3. You do the same thing for years, and suddently it's wrong. 2. They make you take the garbage out. 1. Miss a period and they go wild
ABOUT WOMEN
Item: Chemical Analysis
Subject: Women
Symbol: Wo
Discovered by: Adam
Atomic Weight: Average
expected as 118lb, but there are known isotopes
ranging from 100lb to 160lb.
Occurrance: Surplus quantities
in all urban areas. Chemical properties: a) Posses great affinity for Gold (Au), Silver (Ag), Platinum (Pt), precious and semi-precious stones and minerals. b) Capable of absorbing great quantities of expensive substances. c) May explode spontaneuosly if left alone with male. d) Insoluble in liquids, but activity greatly increased with saturation in ethanol (alcohol).
e) Yeilds to pressure
if applied in the correct maner. Physical properties: a) Surface usually covered in painted film. b) Boils at nothing and freezes without reason. c) Melts if given proper treatment. d) Bitter if used incorrectly.
e) Found in various states
in nature, ranging from virgin
metal to common ore. Uses: a) Highly ornamental, especially in sports cars. b) Most powerful reducing agent of money known.
c) Can aid in relaxation.
Tests: a) Pure specimens turn rosey tint if discovered in natural state.
b) Turns bright green
if placed beside better specimen. Caution!!!: a) Highly dangerous in inexperienced hands b) Illegal to posess more than one permanent specimen. |
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**torque**
Groupie* Joined: September 18 2006 Location: United States Online Status: Offline Posts: 22 |
Posted: January 26 2007 at 11:05am | ||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||
There are four kinds of sex :
HOUSE SEX - When you are newly married and have sex all over the house in every room. BEDROOM SEX - After you have been married for a while, you only have sex in the bedroom. HALL SEX - After you've been married for many, many years you just pass each other in the hall and say "**** YOU" COURTROOM SEX - When your wife and her lawyer **** you in the divorce court in front of many people for every penny you've got. |
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